Behind The Picket Fence
When all is not well at home..
Love is..
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
An abuser is..
..impatient, unkind, jealous, boastful, proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered and keeps a record of wrongs when it comes to his wife. He delights in evil because ‘power and control’ is his drug of choice. He struggles to see truth. He does not protect or trust. He does not hope or persevere in loving her as Christ loves the church.
Instead, he gives in to his need to control, to crush and to diminish the value of his wife: a need born out of his own brokenness and insecurity. He is so blinded by this that he cannot see the damage he is causing. He has slowly but surely crushed her spirit over the years.
All the anger he has inside is taken out on her when the front door closes. He feels entitled to check on her, to question her, to dictate to her, to threaten her – even though he is not. He has dragged her into his world and she lives in fear of the next thing that will enrage him.
Life for her is about avoiding the next explosion, the next criticism, the next put-down. Maybe if she comes home when he wants her to, he won’t get upset; maybe if she wears what he likes, cooks what he likes, tidies how he likes, gives him sex as often as he likes… he won’t get upset.
Not so. No matter how hard she tries, the criticism comes.. sooner or later. She lives with a sinking sense of inadequacy and failure to perform. He has made it clear. Life is about him and his needs.
Over time the effects of abuse take hold. She finds herself doubting her own abilities and depression creeps in. She may not even realize that she is being abused. After all.. he is not horrible all of the time. Sometimes he says sorry after an episode and seems to want to make it right.
So she blames herself. Confusion has distorted the truth. He has told her that if she didn’t do the things she does, then he wouldn’t have to get angry. She believes him. Why? Because she holds on tight to the dream she once had for her marriage. And she presents this image to the outside world, locking inside the pain that she carries.
Neither she nor her husband has any idea how much strain this is putting her under.
So when we reflect on the verse in 1 Corinthians about love, let’s be clear. What I have described here is not love. This is love in reverse. This is abuse.
Deborah Sanasi
BA ( Psych) MA ( C ou n s )
Building Healthy Relationships Seminar and Workshop
FREE EVENT – Soroptimist International of the Hills District invites you to this workshop
What are healthy relationships?
You are invited to come along and find out:
- When: 26th November, 9:30 am to 2:30 pm
- Where: Castle Grand Community Centre
- Address: Cnr Castle & Pennant Streets,
Castle Hill, NSW 2154 - Contact: Soroptimist International of the Hills District Inc
Margaret Drummond
Ph: 0439041050 - Entry: Free
This free seminar is for women and men, providing professional information and empowering them to make informed decisions for themselves and their families. The issues addressed during the day will include family conflict and the effect of violence on children.
White Ribbon Ambassador, Inspector Sean McDermott of NSW Police, will be a guest speaker.
Workshop topics
- What is a healthy relationship?
- Healthy relationships start with you
- Domestic violence and legal rights
- Healthy ways of resolving conflict
- Effective parenting skills and connecting with adolescents
Domestic Abuse Support Group Set Up To Help Victims
Bev Jordan, journalist at Hills Shire Times, filed this report:
A lack of services for victims of domestic violence in the Hills has resulted in the establishment of the Lisa Harnum Foundation. The charity foundation has been established by Hills resident Aileen Mountifield, a member of the Hills Domestic Violence Support Group.
The foundation is named after domestic violence victim Lisa Harnum, whose boyfriend was jailed earlier this year for her murder after he was found guilty of throwing her from the balcony of their high-rise unit.
Mrs Mountifield said the foundation will be providing information, support and counselling for victims of domestic violence.
“We want to offer a safe place for women to come to and access a range of services – we will have information and free counselling and run recovery groups.”
Developing discreet phone app
The foundation is also developing a discreet phone app so that victims of domestic violence can access information about services they need without the fear of being discovered. Mrs Mountifield said the app will be launched by the end of October and will aid women seeking help in dangerous situations.
Lisa Harnum Foundation to fill the gap
“The Lisa Harnum Foundation is trying to plug a huge gap in the services available in the area,” she said.
One of the main services for victims of Domestic Violence in the Hills, St Michael’s Family Centre at Baulkham Hills closed its doors last week. Mrs Mountifield said the closure had been “heartbreaking” and there was now no refuge in the area.
The Lisa Harnum Foundation’s board members include therapist Deborah Sanasi. the foundation has the support of the Hills Domestic Violence Support Group.
Hills Shire Domestic Abuse Counsellor Horrified By Shocking Video
Local counsellor is speechless and determined not to be voicelsss
In her latest article, Deb Sanasi of Norwest Counselling, expresses her outrage at a video that shows a famous NFL football player, Ray Rice, assaulting his then fiancé (now wife) in a hotel elevator, knocking her unconscious, then dragging her, still unconscious, dropping her half in-half out of the elevator, then standing back as a security guard and other hotel guests gather round to work out what is happening. You can read the full article here.
How to get urgent help with domestic violence or abuse:
- Lifeline (24 hours/7 days): 13 11 14
- Emergency: 000
- Domestic Violence Line: 1800 656 463 (TTY 1800 671 442).
- Violence Against Women – Australia Says No (24 hours/7 days): 1800 200 526
- Kids Helpline (24 hours/7 days): 1800 55 1800
- Mensline Australia (24 hours/7 days): 1300 78 99
